Now is probably a good time to mention why I have decided to embark on this adventure to the stage. Originally, I thought (as did Mr FT), that it would be good to have a goal to work towards. Having been motivated by my vanity for a while, I was getting increasingly frustrated with my lack of results. The issue didn't lie with my training, that's the easy part for me. No, it was my diet.
As I've said in earlier posts, I certainly wasn't eating fast food or getting take-away every night. It was more to do with the fact I always gave in to my wants and needs and what I wanted was sugar, I neeeeeded sugar. A cake here, some chocolate there….no concerns whatsoever about whether it would hold me back.
Then I hit 30 and gradually a little layer of podge began to grow…Luckily, I only went up to a size 10, but my clothes were tighter and my frank brother in-law pointed out that I looked a bit pregnant in some holiday pictures.
So came the decision to get on the stage in a bikini with a slightly scary tan. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I never knew how hard it would be. In feb, I also enrolled to study Nutrition with the view to becoming a health coach. I will now be able to fully understand what it is like to change an unhealthy eating habit.
I have an emotional attachment to food, I think we all do. Occasions revolve around food, going out for breakfast at the weekend, lunch with the girls, a romantic dinner or a little gathering over a BBQ. Not to mention boredom eating, emotional eating, rewarding with food….it is literally endless. I have retired my social life for the foreseeable future (or the next 9.5 weeks).
I met a friend the other weekend for coffee, or I thought it was coffee but she ordered food. Not just any food but poached eggs on a bed of wild mushrooms, served with sourdough and avocado….as I watched her eat, and yes I watched her (creepy). I felt the resentment bubbling up inside me….the ridiculous thing is that she didn't make me do this comp, I choose to.
I have also noticed that my senses are stronger than ever, the smell of toast (which I could always leave rather than take), tickles my tastebuds. A whiff of chocolate and I am drooling, don't even mention Peanut butter. It's actually getting to the stage where I have to ask FT to hide any contra and warn me before he commences consumption of a banned substance, usually I'll just notice the evidence in the bin, kind of sweet really.
I knew it was bad but the true magnitude of this addiction was revealed on an innocent weekend away. Looking after FT's parents house. His very generous Mother had left an array of Easter eggs to greet us at the door. I quickly scooped them up and put them in the cupboard, hoping to forget their existence. It didn't work. We took the dogs for a beautiful walk to the beach, the sun was shining and I was busy having an internal battle trying to rationalise how I could justify having just one.
On our return to the house, FT disappeared off and left me to my own devices….those devices led me to the cupboard, It was the mini creme eggs that got me in the end. 'Just one'! I thought……He was gone just long enough for me to wolf the whole bag down…barely stopping to enjoy them, so fearful was I of getting caught. He returned as I was about to sit on the sofa (I'd already disposed the evidence in a stealth manner). FT reads me pretty well though and he knew I'd been up to something. Perhaps it was the giggling that gave me away. He made me promise him that I hadn't eaten any…I lied whilst avoiding his eyes.
Cardinal rule broken. Never lie to each other, always be honest. THAT IS THE SIGN OF AN ADDICT. Hiding it, lying about it (do you ever do the same?).
I did fess up later that day when he remarked how well I'd done this last week, he was pretty hurt as I always pride myself on my often brutal honesty, but I think he could see how I recognised that this was the sign of a true problem.
So there you have it. The battle is underway, it isn't getting easier. This weekend will be 9 weeks out and I am planning on stopping the dessert that might accompany my weekly treat meal. I have also purchased Sarah Wilson's 'I Quit sugar'. I am ready to kick this habit.
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