Did I mention I have a small problem with Sugar?

Now is probably a good time to mention why I have decided to embark on this adventure to the stage. Originally, I thought (as did Mr FT), that it would be good to have a goal to work towards. Having been motivated by my vanity for a while, I was getting increasingly frustrated with my lack of results. The issue didn't lie with my training, that's the easy part for me. No, it was my diet. 

As I've said in earlier posts, I certainly wasn't eating fast food or getting take-away every night. It was more to do with the fact I always gave in to my wants and needs and what I wanted was sugar, I neeeeeded sugar.   A cake here, some chocolate there….no concerns whatsoever about whether it would hold me back. 

Then I hit 30 and gradually a little layer of podge began to grow…Luckily, I only went up to a size 10, but my clothes were tighter and my frank brother in-law pointed out that I looked a bit pregnant in some holiday pictures. 

So came the decision to get on the stage in a bikini with a slightly scary tan. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I never knew how hard it would be. In feb, I also enrolled to study Nutrition with the view to becoming a health coach. I will now be able to fully understand what it is like to change an unhealthy eating habit. 

 I have an emotional attachment to food, I think we all do. Occasions revolve around food, going out for breakfast at the weekend, lunch with the girls, a romantic dinner or a little gathering over a BBQ. Not to mention boredom eating, emotional eating, rewarding with food….it is literally endless. I have retired my social life for the foreseeable future (or the next 9.5 weeks). 

I met a friend the other weekend for coffee, or I thought it was coffee but she ordered food. Not just any food but poached eggs on a bed of wild mushrooms, served with sourdough and avocado….as I watched her eat, and yes I watched her (creepy).  I felt the resentment bubbling up inside me….the ridiculous thing is that she didn't make me do this comp, I choose to. 

I have also noticed that my senses are stronger than ever, the smell of toast (which I could always leave rather than take), tickles my tastebuds. A whiff of chocolate and I am drooling, don't even mention Peanut butter. It's actually getting to the stage where I have to ask FT to hide any contra and warn me before he commences consumption of a banned substance, usually I'll just notice the evidence in the bin, kind of sweet really. 

I knew it was bad but the true magnitude of this addiction was revealed on an innocent weekend away. Looking after FT's parents house. His very generous Mother had left an array of Easter eggs to greet us at the door. I quickly scooped them up and put them in the cupboard, hoping to forget their existence. It didn't work. We took the dogs for a beautiful walk to the beach, the sun was shining and I was busy having an internal battle trying to rationalise how I could justify having just one. 

On our return to the house, FT disappeared off and left me to my own devices….those devices led me to the cupboard, It was the mini creme eggs that got me in the end. 'Just one'!  I thought……He was gone just long enough for me to wolf the whole bag down…barely stopping to enjoy them, so fearful was I of getting caught. He returned as I was about to sit on the sofa (I'd already disposed the evidence in a stealth manner).  FT reads me pretty well though and he knew I'd been up to something. Perhaps it was the giggling that gave me away. He made me promise him that I hadn't eaten any…I lied whilst avoiding his eyes. 

Cardinal rule broken. Never lie to each other, always be honest. THAT IS THE SIGN OF AN ADDICT. Hiding it, lying about it (do you ever do the same?).

I did fess up later that day when he remarked how well I'd done this last week, he was pretty hurt as I always pride myself on my often brutal honesty, but I think he could see how I recognised that this was the sign of a true problem.  

So there you have it. The battle is underway, it isn't getting easier. This weekend will be 9 weeks out and I am planning on stopping the dessert that might accompany my weekly treat meal. I have also purchased Sarah Wilson's 'I Quit sugar'. I am ready to kick this habit. 

My body dysmorphia continues to grow…

So it’s been 5 weeks since I’ve kicked off the 1300 calories per day diet (or eating plan as I like to call it). 

With the competition date changes here and there, can I honestly say that I have been 100% consistent - that would be a no.

Not only have I faced my battle with the sugar monster but also a battle in the transition from eating five small meals a day and NEVER being hungry, to three measured meals, a couple of snacks and constant hunger, which means I turn hangry (hunger + angry = hangry). There is also a part of me that feels that if I’m not eating enough calories, how will I then grow muscles?

Let me give you some scope here. It was probably last November when I decided that I would like to add and tick off, 'compete in a Bikini Competition' from my bucket list..from that point on, the girl who has never needed to be on a 'diet' had to start taking a good hard look at my food consumption (on most days I was eating more than my massive man). I started to become far more aware of my eating. It wasn't that I ate unhealthy before, I have always been a fan of cooking delicious, nutritious food BUT I did have a large tendency to bake cakes and cookies (from scratch - none of the pre -prepared crap that seems to be so popular here) and eat it raw because there was nothing else naughty in the house, I just generally ate what I felt like, should the (usually sugar driven) urge take me, I also had the mentality that as long as I trained hard, I wouldn’t need to worry.

I got that wrong.

So on my then trainers advise; I began adopting the Poliquin style of eating. Which involves red meat and nuts for breaky, meat and nuts for morning tea and meat and veg or fish and veg for my last 3 meals of the day.  

Not only was it expensive, but it was boring too, I missed my fruit and craved a little more variety!

Cue the New Year and new program. I have been thrilled with my new eating plan which has such a varied and balanced approach but I have constant emotions which range from - 'I'm still too fat' (remember 25% body fat), to 'I have no muscle'!! 

 Now, annoyingly I didn't take my measurements at the start of this diet/eating plan, nor did I weigh myself as I don't really think that would be the most accurate way to gauge, **remember people muscle weighs more than fat! 

So, all I have is my own body dysmorphic perspective and maybe old Mr FT - fat traps (his new nickname).

This is a frequent (and yes boring) discussion about my body in our household and it will generally go:

Me: "do you think I've lost weight?" 

*FT sighs, "Yes baby, definitely"

Me: "You're just staying that to be nice aren't you?" 

FT: "No, I see it round your legs"

Me *Sighs* "I don't believe you"

This conversation has taken place multiple times since starting my official comp prep 5 weeks ago….I often feel sorry for FT, he has had to take on the role of cheerleader and motivator.

Whilst every few weeks I have freak outs about it being too hard, these freak outs, I'm a little ashamed to say, often result in tears (and maybe a small tantrum). 

For example, this weekend just gone. I was trying to look at my (still non existent) ass in the mirror and wondering- How.The.Hell am I ever going to feel confident getting on stage when I have no muscle, the end result was my inner voice telling me sternly to quit (and possibly eat some cake), in stepped Mr Motivator- he won't let me quit, so instead we brain stormed solutions…..

That was how I came to the conclusion that I need a coach that is specifically trained for preparing girls for competitions, someone that is present and involved with me while I go through this process, someone that can prescribe me a not always fun, but results driven comp diet that will help build muscle, someone that can give me a good kick up the butt if my willpower falters but also get really excited when I (hopefully) progress, (my inner child gets really pleased when I please other people). So, whilst I still hope to work with my current trainers post comp, I need to think about my end goal right now. 

Watch this space.